16 totally normal sex things that never occur on TV

These things occur (Picture: Liberty Antonia Sadler/Metro.co.uk)

TV and film have been operative together to diverge a expectations of sex for years now.

National Masturbation Month: Here’s because mutual masturbation is totally hot

They would have us trust that it’s all soothing lighting and relating undies, since in existence sex is grubby, clumsy, stupid and a whole lot of fun.

Sure, each so mostly we conduct to have a erotic sesh that wouldn’t demeanour out of place in a soft-core chick-flick, though some-more mostly than not you’re usually perplexing not to fart.


When’s a final time we saw someone scream ‘OW OW OW CRAMP STOP OW’ on TV?

Weird vagina noises

No-one ever stops to hee-haw about a queef or some upsetting squelching noises on TV.

Seriously, vaginas can be genuine mood-killers.

The soppy patch

Only once on TV have we ever seen one impression palm another impression a hankie to understanding with a dreaded cum drip. we stood adult and applauded.

Occasional bouts of a giggles

Tee hee (Picture : Ella Byworth for Metro.co.uk)

Sex on TV is always so boringly SERIOUS.

Your hosiery are substantially still on

Sorry, we was too bustling holding off a critical clothes.

Your underwear does not match

You’re some-more expected to be incidentally wearing your duration pants than a lacy relating set – unless this is a third date scenario, or an anniversary.

Simultaneous orgasms are a holy grail

On shade they occur each time. In reality, if we conduct to come during a same time it warrants an unsexy high-five afterwards.

Total disaster to perform a new ardent move

(Picture: Ella Byworth for Metro.co.uk)

It looked easy in a diagram.

You haven’t shaved/waxed your armpits/legs/bikini line

In a early days of a relationship, this is mortifying. After a few months, we don’t even care.

Romantic dishes are not a good predecessor to sex

TV creates it work, with all a candle light and a footsie underneath a table.

In reality, you’re unequivocally full and perplexing not to burp/fart/throw up.

Occasional distractions

No-one on TV has ever pronounced ‘ooh, while we remember, Steve and Kelly invited us over for cooking subsequent week’ during sex.


Everyone needs a small warming-up initial (Picture: Liberty Antonia Sadler for Metro.co.uk)

Pretty customary partial of sex, right? Except TV would have we trust that one ardent lick is a usually warm-up anyone gets before going to full penetration.

Discussions about ardent positions

TV creates sex demeanour like an jaunty ballet, switching uniformly between positions with no communication solely for moans of pleasure.

But sex is all about communication. Even if that communication is usually ‘can we switch it up, please? My knees are murdering me.’

Sex injuries

No-one on TV ever gets an random knee to a balls.

Standing-up sex is terrible

Just not unsentimental if one of we is high (Picture: Liberty Antonia Sadler for Metro.co.uk)

Sure, on shade it looks so extemporaneous and convenient. You can do it literally anywhere! Up opposite a wall, over a table, in a shower, easy.

So prolonged as we and your partner are roughly accurately a same height, that is.

Hitting a wrong hole

‘OW!’ *Furious glare*

MORE: 11 reasons because we should have a one night stand

MORE: What we skip about being a sex workman (and a few things we don’t)

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Posted by on May 10 2017. Filed under Sex. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback to this entry

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